A Letter to You, My Uncle Ben

 

Dear Uncle Ben,

How are you doing? How's the food in heaven? Have you made any friends? These are all kinds of questions I have stuck in my mind lately. I am still trying to grasp the concept of grief. I still can’t wrap around my head and accept that you are no longer here with us. I feel like my whole world has been shattered into a million pieces. It kills me inside knowing you will never walk through that door at a family gathering or that you will never be at holidays. You were a huge part of our family and still are. I hope up in heaven you have gotten to see and know my kids. Everyday that passes it shatters me emotionally that you never got to meet my girls. I wanted them to have the Uncle Ben that I had growing up. Seeing my Uncle Ben was always the highlight of gatherings. You made things so magical and fun for me growing up. You have made a HUGE impact on my world and you probably don’t even realize it. To this day, I remember perfectly you tricking me thinking Grandma and Grandpa had a pet bird in their bird house. I am not sure if you know this or not but Grandma Janet gifted me that bird house because she knew how special that memory was for me. I have it in my kitchen as we speak.  Believe it or not she is one of the only people that even remember that memory, most of the family doesn’t remember that. I wish now more than ever I could pick up the phone and call you to have a good laugh. I have been struggling a lot mentally and deep down a part of it is because I do not know how to grieve your absence. I feel like I don’t want to accept what has happened because I still don’t believe it. I know it has been a few years now but I still can’t grasp the reality of the situation. I have been putting on a brave face for everyone trying to be the strong minded one but deep down I am so broken. Now more than ever I need your advice please guide me in the right direction and get me through this. I know God has a reason for everything and that he knew it was your time but please help me understand. I also need you to help guide my mom and brother. It hit my mom like a bus and I know Luke is struggling with it more than most of us. You were his go to with a lot of things and made everything so fun for him as well. You and Uncle Buck are my only two uncles and now that there is only one I can’t seem to understand it. Please shine down some ray of light for me and help me. I have been dealing with so much mentally and I have been searching for the root. I didn’t understand this but I feel grieving you is a huge part of my root issue. I have been dreaming about you so much and it feels so real to the point where I don’t want to wake up. Seeing you laugh and smile lights up my soul. Please visit my children in their dreams and let them experience what I got to experience with you. Like I said before you made life magical for me and so much fun. I started this blog recently to help me get out my feelings and emotions to prevent anxiety. Writing has seemed like such a calm, peaceful thing for me. I also have been chatting getting close with Auntie more. I realize that time is short and I want to be present with my loved ones. The last day I was present with you was at my going away party for moving to Texas. Little did I know that was going to be the last time we were ever going to be together. It tears me up internally that is the last time we got together. I was so excited when you were going to come down to visit us and bring Jill. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I finally was going to see you again and that you could meet my daughter Mia. Then a blink of an eye later you were no longer here. After only a few weeks talking to you about your visit you were gone. Fast forward to now and I have a second daughter and her name is Leia. I hope you look down on them everyday and help guide them as well. You were the best uncle a girl could ever ask for. It sadens me that my girls will not have that experience with you. You have been on my mind and in my heart a lot lately like I mentioned earlier. I hope you are proud of me for everything I have done so far. Hearing you tell me you were proud of me and that you loved me meant everything. I love you so much and I am sure I will be writing to you again soon. 

I love you more than you could ever know,

Jordan 💜